Horror Movie Villain Want Ads

Job Description: Lure in prospective guests. Arrange for killing of prospective guests. Clean up prospective guest residue.

Skills Needed: Good interpersonal skills; trustful demeanor; ability to conceal dementia.

Minimum Education: Degree in Hotel Management with a minor in Torture and False Imprisonment.

Salary: $45,000 plus valuables left in "suddenly vacated" rooms.

References: Psycho, Frontier(s), Motel Hell, Vacancy, The Gay Bed & Breakfast of Terror.

Job Description: Rule convent and/or Catholic school for scantily clad girls with an iron fist, fostering an atmosphere ripe for tickle fights.

Skills Needed: Leadership ability; steel jaw; latent homosexuality.

Minimum Education: None. (LOL.)

Salary: Paid in virgins' tears.

References: The Nun, The Convent, Killer Nun, Demonia, The Halfway House, School of the Holy Beast.

Job Description: Use moral authority to manipulate people deemed guilty into positions of vulnerability before proceeding to whack them.

Skills Needed: Self-confidence; ability to multitask; adept at greasing a nightstick.

Minimum Education: Graduation from police abuse academy.

Salary: $40,000 with unlimited donuts dipped in the blood of jaywalkers.

References: Maniac Cop, Psycho Cop, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003), Lakeview Terrace, Urban Nightmare.

Job Description: Conduct unethical experiments. Yell, "Eureka!" when you succeed. Dispose of bodies.

Skills Needed: Overreaching ambition; results-driven planning; unnerving fondness for your speculum.

Minimum Education: Medical school, specializing in alchemy.

Salary: $90,000, stuffed neatly inside glass beakers.

References: Dr. Giggles, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Eyes Without a Face, The Island of Dr. Moreau, Resident Evil: Extinction.

Job Description: Make children's nightmares come true.

Skills Needed: Relentless cheeriness; innovative problem-solving; ability to kill with balloon animals.

Minimum Education: Killer clown college degree.

Salary: $25,000, split between 18 people in a car.

References: It, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, S.I.C.K., The Clown at Midnight, Amusement, Camp Blood, Drive Thru, Killjoy.

Job Description: Grind out a day-to-day existence of paper-pushing tedium before snapping in a rage of unrepentant violence.

Skills Needed: Self-motivation; professionalism; history of mental illness.

Minimum Education: High school diploma, G.E.D. or successfully completed Happy Meal maze.

Salary: $20,000 in Post-It Notes.

References: The Temp, Office Killer, American Psycho, Willard, Love Object, Obsessed.

Job Description: Listen to children who sit on your lap, providing them with guidance and gentle reassurance as you simultaneously strangle the life out of them.

Skills Needed: Ability to listen; dependability; blinding rage spurred by tinsel.

Minimum Education: Two-hour state-mandated Santa class.

Salary: $15/hour and all the wassail you can drink.

References: Tales from the Crypt, Silent Night Deadly Night, Christmas Evil, Santa Claws.

Job Description: Kill and prepare animal meat. Same for people.

Skills Needed: Customer service dedication; strong work ethic; taste for human flesh.

Minimum Education: At least a decade of plucking wings off of flies.

Salary: $35,000 worth of Soylent Green.

References: The Butcher, Bloodthirsty Butchers, Slaughterhouse, Motel Hell, Delicatessen, Butcher House.

Job Description: Lull people into a sense of security that proves false when the puppet is tap dancing on their graves.

Skills Needed: Works well with others; finger dexterity; Napoleon Complex.

Minimum Education: Masters in Pinocchio fetishism.

Salary: Box seats for Punch and Judy on Ice.

References: Puppet Master, Magic, Dead Silence, Triloquist.

Job Description: Conduct genetic experiments; maintain government secrets; deny your own existence.

Skills Needed: Strict loyalty; tenacity; proficiency with piano wire.

Minimum Education: Standard Clockwork Orange-esque brainwashing.

Salary: $50,000 necklace made from Area 51 alien eyeballs.

References: Planet Terror, Return of the Living Dead III, Day of the Dead, 28 Days Later, Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS.